Puella Magi Madoka Magica in
by ZipCode
Summary: A set of crossover drabbles. Different crossover per chapter. Mostly crack. Lots of yuri. Chapter Six: Kick reason to the curb, Madoka!
1. in the DCverse!

Author's Note: Standard disclaimer applies, I don't own anything from either PMMM or any of the other works you see here. If you want to see a crossover in particular, shoot me a PM or hit me with a review. I can't promise anything, but I'll give it a shot so long as I know the fandom. ;)

* * *

**Puella Magi Madoka Magica**

**...in the DC-verse!**

* * *

i.

Lex Luthor laughed maniacally. _Finally_, after so much effort. So much blood, sweat and tears he could finally claim the superiority he _knew_ was his. This was the _triumph_ of humanity over…

His formidable intellect came to a halt as he paused to contemplate what exactly he was triumphing over.

In high definition and on no less than eighty-three monitors he could see the pink-haired superhero whimpered as the chunk kryptonite inched closer and closer.

For a moment of madness he felt _pity_ for the damn thing.

Then batman dropped in from behind and rendered the point moot.

ii.

"Thanks Homura," Madoka said tiredly as they limped out of Luthor's self-destructing base. It was a shame, Luthor _always_ seemed to be doing things like that. The brat. "I-"

"_Batman_," Homura said harshly through the voice synthesizer.

Madoka chuckled. "But you're a-"

"I require _terror_ for my ends," 'Batman' repeated, voice harsh and guttural. "The male emblem is a _necessary_ front in order to terrorize the criminal element."

They'd had this conversation before.

Multiple times.

"I think," Madoka yawned, "that _mothers_ can be scary too."

'Batman' said nothing.

iii.

"They are totally going to start frenching each other," Kyouko reported excitedly.

"Friend Raven," Starfire said uncertainly, "I do not mean to be inconsiderate, but I believe this is what friend Cyborg refers to as 'not very nice.'"

Kyouko tossed a bag of popcorn at the Tamarian. "Ah, don't worry about the big lug. We go _way_ back. She's always been such a strait-lace."

Starfire sat and accepted the bag of popcorn. The 'frenching' had not yet started although it appeared that Batman was getting suspicious of the green hummingbird with the miniaturized surveillance equipment. "Is being a 'strait-lace' undesirable, friend Raven?"

Kyouko grinned. "Oh, you _betcha_."

iv.

Half an hour into the very necessary research into how the movers and shakers of the Justice League lived their lives, Robin burst into the room.

She wasn't happy.

"_Kyouko_," Sayaka growled. "That's _batman_."

"Yup," Kyouko said, tossing another handful of popcorn down her gullet. "Neat, huh? Now you can indulge in your crush and remain within the limits of plausible deniability. Aren't I nice?"

Winsome smile.

Robin didn't even acknowledge it, seething as she watched the display.

"Join us, friend Robin," Starfire said, patting the couch. "Friend Raven has explained to me that we are 'people watching.' It is a _fascinating _human custom!"

"Oh, I'm _sure_ it is," Sayaka growled, balling up her fists. "It's also known as an _invasion of privacy _and_-_"

v.

Mami examined the control room of the Titan Tower with a whimper.

"I _just_ fixed the place," she cried. "How is it a mess _again_?"

"Friend Cyborg!" Starfire said cheerfully, waving her over, the one spot of spotlessness amongst the pandemonium. "We were people-watching! And then friend Robin said we were violating a great many human laws, and friend Raven said that that was semantics, no celebrities pretended to have privacy and friend Robin started yelling-"

"And then they started blowing things up," Mami finished sadly as she toed a sparking monitor.

"No, then friend Batman and friend Madoka started 'frenching'-"

Mami choked.

"-and _then_ friend Robin learned about the betting pool-"

Mami choked _again_.

"-and then they started blowing things up." Starfire said. She cocked her head at the blonde. "Friend Cyborg, are you not feeling well?"

"I'm – gah – _fine._" Cyborg muttered, shaking her head. She wiped away the long trail of drool that had formed at the corner of her mouth.

"Did Raven make a recording?"

vi.

The Joker examined the animal curiously.

"Now _this_ is a proper joke," he chuckled.

"It is very nice to meet you," the white squirrel-thing said, without once changing expression.

"Delighted," the Joker replied without inflection. "I wonder what smilex would do to you, hmmm?"

"Probably nothing." Kyuubey replied. "This body is thirty percent cotton."

"Really now?"

"Really."

"We'll _ahahahaha _see about that!"

Kyuubey frowned. Oh well. What could this hur-


	2. in Kirigakure!

**…in Kirigakure!**

* * *

i.

"You _do_ understand the honour that this is," the third Raikage said gravely.

Kaname Junko watched her daughter play with her baby brother. It took her a moment to compose herself. Uncharacteristically, her sensei did not chide her.

Perhaps he understood. He'd given up his son as well.

"Yes sir."

ii.

"Bee-san," Madoka said as she doodled on the margins of her history homework which, according to Kay-sensei involved a lot of people attacking Kumogakure for no apparent reason, "I don't think people like us very much."

"You worry too much," Bee laughed. "People will get in touch."

"Mmm, if you say so." She hesitated for a moment before looking at her sempai in concern. "Bee-san, I don't think it's _possible_ to wield seven swords at once."

"Ha _ha_, just you wait: this'll be great!"

"Bee-san, they're _bigger_ than you are!"

iii.

Junko heard Madoka long before she saw her. A huge smile was on her daughter's face.

The smile was contagious.

"Mom, _mom!_ I made my first friend today! Her name is Sayaka!" In the vein of one mentioning a very important fact she said, with great solemnity: "Her hair is _green_."

Junko grabbed her daughter by the armpits and lifted her up in the air before giving her a peck on the forehead. "I'm so _proud_ of you! What's she like?"

Madoka squirmed in her grip. "Mmmm. She's very… um… straightforward."

"What do you mean by that?"

_Call her a freak again and I think I will get very mad._

"She speaks her mind," Madoka decided.

iv.

"Oh look, freak made her first friend." Kyouko muttered, munching on a dango.

"Your chatter is not useful, Snake." Homura replied. "And put your mask back on."

"Aye aye, Bear," the ANBU operative said, snapping off a salute as she finished her sweet. The mask clicked back into place. "But y'know, she _will_ die, _every_ host to the Bakeneko has died, they're just trying to-"

"That is not our concern."

"…damn you're cold."

v.

"A-san, I made a friend."

"Mm-hmmm," the Raikage's son said as he practiced his taijutsu forms. No one referred to Bee-san as the 'Raikage's son' but Madoka had decided that that was because it would be confusing if both of them were referred to as the Raikage's son.

"A-san, they won't let her into the palace, do you know why? I wanted to show her the sword collection." She grinned. "Sayaka-chan really likes swords."

"Does she?" A muttered as he went through the Sky forms. "I'll see that the paperwork gets done."

"Thank you, A-san!"

"Hey! Careful!" A complained as he was hit by a hug.

vi.

"You're a little young to be our sensei," Sayaka said doubtfully.

"Oh – ah – I guess I am," Mami said nervously, as she twisted a finger in and out of her hair. "But – um – I'm qualified… or, I think I am." She nodded. "Probably."

Beat.

Madoka pouted. "It's because of me, isn't it?"

Mami put up her hands. "No, no, not at all, it's just with the war jounin need to be-" at the looks the two teenagers gave her, the chunin deflated. "Um, yeah. I was the only one who volunteered. But don't worry, I'm qualified! Over-qualified, even!"

"_Really_." Sayaka said sceptically.

Mami grinned. Suddenly she didn't look quite like a fourteen year old pretending to be a jounin and more like a ten year old with access to forbidden jutsu. "Want to see something _really_ cool?"

vii.

Kyouko stumbled back to the rendezvous point looking like she'd taken a walk through the Raikage's signature technique. She ripped her mask right off and flung it to the side where it shattered into a hundred pieces.

"They blew up a mountain!"

"Ah." Homura said.

"Bear, they _blew up a mountain._"

"That's what will happen when the Tomoe blood limit is given access to the chakra of a host." She nodded to Kyouko. "Good work."

"Bear, the mountain where they put the First Raikage's face on is _gone_. Kaput! Seeing angels! Closer to my god than thee! _Someone_ is going to notice!"

viii.

Bee rubbed his chin.

"Do you think, that before they blink, I could try-"

"Bee," A rumbled. "You are _not_ defacing the second's monument."

ix.

"_That_ is the stupidest god I ever saw," Kakuzu decided as he looked upon Hidan's pantheon.

"Don't say shit about Jashin," Hidan growled.

"Nah, not that one." The waterfall-nin growled, pointing to another of the statues. "The other one. With the floppy ears."

"Oh," the other missing-nin said, mollified. "That's Kyuubey. He's the arsekisser. You have to sacrifice virgin girls to him or some shit like that. No one takes him seriously."

"Virgins? Really? What for?"

"Pffft, hell if I know. Grants wishes or some shit like that."

"…does he pay in gold?"

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Author's Notes: Episode 10 of PMMM was everything I wanted it to be. Coming up next: the Little Mermaid!


	3. in Atlantis!

…**in Atlantis!**

* * *

i.

It was love at first sight.

Kind of.

Well, okay, probably not.

ii.

"What manner of monster are you?" The prince asked, sword pointed at her neck. Kyouko struggled to breathe as shallowly as she could while her brain did backflips trying to come up with the appropriate answer.

Two meters. All she had to get was two meters thataway and-

After a few moments of opening and closing her mouth the mermaid princess gave up.

"By Poseidon's hairy balls, I have the bottom half a _fish _and _clam shells_ over my tits, what do you _think_ I am?" The redhead asked.

Surprisingly, the prince backed off. His cheeks blushed crimson. It made an… interesting contrast to his green-blue hair. "Wha-"

Not one to look a gift whale in the mouth, Kyouko flopped the two meters it was necessary to get to the shoreline and dove back into the water.

iii.

A few days later, Kyouko discovered that the Prince was big on stating the obvious. After all the inevitable sword-waving when she surfaced to say hi.

Luckily, she brought an ace in the hole this time. Hopefully Mami would forgive her.

Alright, probably not.

"You're back." The Prince said with great solemnity.

It was quite the feat seeing as he was tied up in magical seaweed and strung up by his hands. No one should have managed that sentence with the gravitas and poise he did, but somehow he managed.

"You tried to kill me!" Kyouko returned, greatly offended. She drummed her fingers on the edge of his blade before tossing it away, letting the ocean claim it. "Me!" And, just so it was clear: "_again_."

"You're a monster." The Prince returned without any particular animosity.

Kyouko held up her mother's trident. "Nuh-uh. This here is genuine-"

The prince turned his head. "I have nothing to say to you."

iv.

Mami was an honest crab.

Patient. Kind. Caring. It was why she had been given the duty – nay, the _honor_ – of babysitting the royal princess.

Still, there were times when she wanted to get her golden claws around her charge's scrawny neck and _squeeze_ and _squeeze_ until all the stupid came right out-

"And so you decided to _take him_ with you?" The crab screeched, fretting over the rather wet and dead-looking prince.

"I didn't know humans couldn't breathe under water!" Kyouko screeched back, as close to panic the princess ever got. "I mean, we can breathe up here! We just have… tails." She flapped her tail demonstratively. "Makes it inconvenient to travel around on land. But the rest is the same! So I figured-"

Fortunately, the Prince chose at that moment to give a wet, gurgling cough and Mami never had to find out what exactly Kyouko had thought.

They both fled the moment the Prince's retainers managed to get their heads out of their cracks and find who they were supposed to be guarding.

v.

Queen Homura was not happy.

Since Queen Homura's default setting was _stone cold bitch _that tiny crease at the corner of her eyes was making Kyouko _very_ nervous.

The redhead swallowed several times. "I know it _sounds_ bad, but Mom-"

"You have committed crimes against Atlantis." Queen Homura said evenly. "Breaking the veil of secrecy, stealing Poseidon's Trident, _killing_ a human noble-"

"Mom," Kyouko said desperately, "he's _not_ dead-"

"Your Majesty," Mami broke in, "I too can attest that-"

"_Silence_."

Mami and Kyouko shut up.

Homura got out of her throne, black hair billowing out behind her. An aura of power, almost tangible, lit her features in a fearsome purple glow. "The only punishment _fitting_ such heinous crime is ex-"

The door to the throne room slammed open. Kyouko wondered who would be idiotic enough to interrupt Queen Homura while in mid-rant but then realized that the question answered itself.

"Homura-chan, can you believe it, I found the Tri… _Kyouko-chan! _You're back! Mommy has been so worried!"

A ball of squee that was her _other _mother slammed into her back with enough force to send her tumbling through the water, tail over teakettle Queen Madoka gave her erstwhile daughter a hug that made said daughter's ribs creak. _Ow_.

Queen Homura did not grit her teeth or sigh or do any of a thousand things that an exasperated parent might be expected to do. She did, however, close her eyes for all of two seconds which must have been a major record.

"Queen Madoka, our daughter is to be exiled. Say your farewells-"

"Homura-chan, I thought we agreed that we would make decisions regarding our daughter's future _together_," Queen Madoka said, pouting. "Now _I_ think that-"

vi.

Sayaka wasn't expecting to see the red-haired demon again. Not after the attempted drowning.

And yet the next time she was there, the mermaid had shown up pleased as pie. Or whatever it was her kind were pleased as. Devils, probably. Or damned souls.

"Easy with the sword," the monster said, looking like she didn't dare breathe.

Probably a smart thing what with the sword next to her neck.

Sayaka pressed the blade down harder. Nicked flesh and drew blood. Almost felt bad at how the redhead jerked back. She looked so _human_. "You tried to kill me," Sayaka said steadily.

"You tried to kill me fir-" little bit more pressure and she stopped that line of thought. "Um. I mean. I'm here to apologize."

Really.

"You're here to what?"

"Apologize!" The monster opened and closed her mouth several times before taking a deep breath. "I mean. I thought humans. Could. Um. Breathe underwater. So I was. Um. Bringing you down. To see. My parents." The rapidfire staccato made it difficult to understand what she was saying. "I just wanted to – _we aren't monsters._"

For some reason Sayaka found herself sighing as she put away the sword.

"Go."

"I just wanted-"

"_Go_."

A splash later and the mermaid was gone.

vii.

Sayaka had known Prince Kyosuke for some time. She'd been trying to court him for almost two years now. It wasn't the way things were done – men were supposed to attend the ladies - but, well, she was the Tomboy princess.

And Prince Kyosuke did like her.

Probably.

She'd brought him here to the grotto – no doubt to the dismay of their chaperones – and for the first few minutes… it had been… well, romantic. Boat in the moonlight. Candlelit dinner. Flash of red-

Flash of red?

After begging to be excused for various ladylike things she, hitched up her skirts and went confront a mermaid.

"_What_ are you doing here?" Sayaka hissed.

"Watching." Kyouko nodded, munching down what looked like pink-and-purple seaweed. "I didn't know that… you humans… did things like that."

Sayaka's twitched to where her sword would have been… if she had been wearing her usual livery. Not this… princess crap. "Do _what_?"

"Pretending to be a girl," the redhead said, nodding vigorously. "I mean – not that I find anything wrong with guy pretending to be a girl doing the nasty with another guy, by all means – continue! And if you could manage it in full view of any major body of water I'd take it as a personal favour-"

"I'm a _girl._" Sayaka growled, keeping an eye on the Prince.

Kyouko blinked several times.

Spat out what she had been eating.

"Really?"

viii.

Two weeks later Sayaka was back at the grotto.

So was Kyouko.

"Fancy seeing you here." The mermaid said, proffering the seaweed in her hand. "Want some? Comes in eighteen different flavours."

The human morosely accepted the treat which tripped all sorts of alarms in Kyouko's head. After a moment of vigorous chewing she cautiously asked: "So, uh, what's floating?"

"He _left _me." The tomboy princess said, sounding remarkably petulant as she bit into her seaweed. Chewed mechanically for a moment before swallowing. "For some two-bit floozy."

Kyouko nodded. "That's boys for you."

"But – I – _why_?"

"Pfft, they're boys. My mommies always say-"

"You have… mommies?"

"Do I have to explain the sponges and nudibranches to you?" Kyouko asked, rolling her eyes. "Yes, I have two mommies. They're very beautiful too." She flicked her hair. "Not as beautiful as me, but, hey, who is?"

Sayaka looked like she was having trouble thinking. "Is that… is that how your kind… I mean to say … well… are you all… um, females-"

"You're really pretty when your cheeks go all rosy red." Kyouko noticed, intrigued. _Her_ cheeks didn't do that, she was pretty sure.

Sayaka snapped her mouth shut and blushed harder.

"Wow, you're almost as bright as my hair." Kyouko said moving closer.

"Don't – it's – _stop that_," Sayaka said, sounding desperate.

"I'm not doing anything, princess~" Kyouko pointed out sagely. "Nothing at all." She leaned in close, breathed into Sayaka's ear: "Unless you want me to?"

There was a perfect moment where all Kyouko could hear was the human princess' ragged breathing.

Sayaka suddenly stood up. Opened and shut her mouth several times. When nothing came out she finally did an odd bow that seemed to be trying to be a curtsy at the same time and then, without a word, turned around and walked off, legs jerky.

Kyouko pouted. So close. So, _so_ close.

"Came on a bit strong there, princess," Mami said, popping out of the water.

"Oh shut up," Kyouko groused.

ix.

"You want _me_, to turn you into a human?" Ursula said slowly.

Kyouko nodded.

"…so you can try to woo a human girl."

Kyouko nodded again.

"…that has tried to kill you several times."

Another nod.

Ursula threw her hands in the air. "Dear, when you put it like that – how can I _refuse_? Such perversity! Such obsession! It would be criminal _not _to help you. And your mothers have been so _kind_ to me too-" she gestured to the polyps that all had curious, beady red eyes and frozen smiles, "-I simply _must_ return the favour."

"For payment-"

"Oh deary, don't worry – I won't take much. Just your voice. It's how the magic works, you know. Price for a price. Kiss your true love – or have her stab you through the heart – and it'll come right back."

"Oh, I suppose that makes it alright then," Kyouko said.

x.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Mami asked.

Kyouko made several complicated hand gestures as she sat, naked and miserable on some random rock in the middle of the ocean. No one had told her that humans had such a rough time swimming. It was ridiculous! They couldn't breathe underwater, they couldn't swim right, not with these weird _leg_ things – what good were they for, anyway?

"Oh, so you went to see Ursula and she made you a human." Mami said, snapping her claws. "Princess, do you _ever_think?"

Kyouko made a much simpler hand gesture and Mami covered her eyes. "Oh, my little Kyouko – where did I ever go so wrong with you?"

The redhead gave Mami a pat on the shell. She hadn't meant to be so mean. But when you couldn't talk, well, there were only so many ways to communicate displeasure.

"And the Queens will be _horrified,_" Mami continued. "Queen Homura…"

There was a moment of very politically correct silence as they both contemplated the festivities that Queen Homura would throw. There might even be a holiday named after her. Only-idiots-turn-human-Day.

"…Queen Madoka-" Mami said desperately.

Kyouko shook her head. Madoka-mommy would be planning the honeymoon and trying to figure out how to get Poseidon's Trident to make life liveable under the sea for a human. After sobbing that 'her' Kyouko was all grown up.

"Huh," Mami said.

xi.

"Princess," someone was saying. "Princess Sayaka-"

Sayaka jerked awake, hand on her sword. Princess Hitomi backed off, giggling. "Hey, careful there."

Sayaka took a deep breath and mopped her brow. She had fallen asleep. _She _had fallen asleep while on duty. And had dreamed of mermaids.

She flushed.

It was all this infernal returning to the beach. Hitomi had wanted to, just to show the court that there were no hard feelings between the two. She hadn't the heart to disagree nor the dexterity to lie as to why exactly the beach made her uncomfortable. It was a well-known fact, after all, that Sayaka adored the beach.

Well, she had. But then– that _creature_ had tried to seduce her! It was – it was unfathomable!

"You were saying a name in your sleep, Sayaka," Hitomi said slyly. "Who is this Kyouko?"

Sayaka knew she was blushing bright red. "No one. No one at all."

"Oooooh, sounds like more than a no one to me~"

Sayaka wished she had a pillow to hurl. Had to make do with a handful of sand. "Arrrgh. Stop – stop _needling_ me."

"Is that what they call it these days?"

Sayaka buried her face in her hands. She _hated_ when Hitomi used her 'I am far older and far more experienced than you' voice. They were _maybe_ a month apart but Sayaka having focused on the arts martial and Hitomi having done… princess-ey things, their experiences were worlds apart.

"I'm not trying to embarrass you," Hitomi said, giving Sayaka an awkward pat on the shoulder. "Sometimes I forget how _different_ your life must be, full of adventure and-"

Hitomi stuttered to a stop.

This being rather uncharacteristic of Hitomi, Sayaka raised her head to ask what was wrong and found her mind stuttering to a stop too.

She blinked several times. Pinched herself.

"Do you see-"

Hitomi nodded wordlessly.

"And that's really-"

Hitomi nodded again.

xii.

Ha _ha_ this was _awesome!_

Although balancing on Lenny's back was frankly kind of scary at first – sharks couldn't help how sharp their skin was – after Kyouko had gotten the hang of it, it was _awesome._

Okay, this – wind blowing through her hair, miles of water being cut through in an instant – _this_ was probably why humans bothered to get up in the morning and build their great wooden boat-thingies. Just to have this sensation of exhilarating speed. Nothing underwater _quite_ compared – the fiercer currents would just as soon kill as refresh you.

And look, they were nearly at the beach. And Sayaka was there – she'd recognize that blue-green hair anywhere!

Now that she was human, Kyouko figured it would be safe to wave – and wave she did, arms pinwheeling after she realized that she'd lost balance and had to struggle to find it again.

Sayaka, looking a little faint, waved back weakly.

There was another girl there, with long, curly hair. Kyouko frowned at that and shrugged. Oh well.

What was life without a few complications?

xiii.

"It seems that the crazy girl knows you," Hitomi pointed out, still sounding faint.

"She wasn't a girl the last time I saw her," Sayaka muttered, feeling just at bewildered.

Raised eyebrow. "She was a boy, then?"

The shark and girl were getting closer. Now that they could make out details, Sayaka noticed that the mermaid – er, former mermaid – was barely wearing anything except for her seashells.

Her nose was going to spring a leak at this rate. Sayaka focused very carefully on the sand at her feet.

"No, she was mermaid."

"Ah." Hitomi said, in the tone of one who has just had an answer that explained everything and nothing.

Sayaka expected Kyouko to be screaming her name but either it was taking a lot more concentration to… shark-surf than usual or something was wrong with her throat because all the redhead did was continue to wave.

Then the shark actually hit the sandbank, catapulting the redhead off.

She rolled several times, coming away from the business looking gleeful and holding onto an extra layer of sand – well, everywhere. She patted the sand a few times, looking amazed before getting up and then launching herself at Sayaka.

The two of them fell down in a mess of petticoats and wet sand. Hitomi eep'd, Sayaka reached for her sword and Kyouko-

Kyouko laughed silently, _huge_ grin on her face as she reached down, grabbed a surprised human princess by the shirt and stuck her tongue down Sayaka's throat.

xiv.

"Well _that,_" Kyouko said, after she broke off the kiss, "was ridiculously easy." She snuggled herself against Sayaka's chest and went immediately to sleep.

xv.

"I'm not judging you," Hitomi said after a few minutes had passed and neither Sayaka nor Kyouko spontaneously grew a third eyeball or exploded into fiery ash.

"Good," Sayaka said distractedly, girl-that-was-no-longer-a-mermaid still wrapped firmly around her middle. "Because there's nothing to judge!"

Hitomi nodded. "Do you… do you think that maybe you two would allow me to watch-"

Sayaka growled and threw sand at her best friend.

xvi.

"Oh they're so _cute_ together," Madoka cooed, looking through the crystal ball.

Homura sniffed. "So unrefined. She – she acted like some sort of human _male_. Do you remember that song Ursula used to sing about human men?"

"Oh, it was pretty catchy," Madoka said, threading her fingers through Homura's hair. "Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation – was it?"

"True gentleman avoid it when they can," Homura murmured, grabbing Madoka's hand and then giving it a nibble.

"Hey! Homura-chan! That _tickles._"

"I'm a gentleman," Homura murmured huskily, mouth rising along the arm.

"Dear, you getting randy after seeing-"

"Oh shut up," Homura complained, pulling Madoka towards the bed.

* * *

Author's Notes: Okay, so I went a _teensy-weensy _bit overboard with this one but it practically wrote itself. The next will be normal-sized instead of 3-4 times the usual length. Coming up next, Marvel! Unfortunately, my muse isn't familiar with guardians of the galaxy or the fantastic four but I'll see what I can cook up. :3


	4. in the Marvelverse!

…**in the Marvel Universe. Mainly New York.**

**

* * *

**

i.

"…you were bitten by a magical girl." Spiderman repeated, massaging the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger.

"A _radioactive_ magical girl," Madoka stressed. "_Definitely_ radioactive. Glowy and everything." Her cheeks dimpled.

Spiderman felt like ringing up a therapist. Samson was a name bandied about quite often. "And now you fight crime-?"

"With great power," Madoka said solemnly, "comes great-"

ii.

Headlines:

-_Iron man – the inside scoop! _

-_Superskrull attacks Manhattan_

-_Spiderman attacks little girl!_

iii.

"He _attacked_ you?" Mami asked, scandalized.

Madoka moaned, nursing the bump on her forehead with an ice pack. "Spiderman _sucks_."

Sayaka looked stricken. Kyouko snickered.

Homura looked slightly homicidal.

iv.

Peter Parker, better known to the world as Spiderman, was having a rather average day. Three or four genetic experiments in the morning, bank robbery in the afternoon (hi Shocker, buh-bye Shocker), a few scattered memories of having been married (what was _that_ all about?) -

When night came, though, he met _another_ little girl that was into fighting crime. He dropped down from the ceiling, hanging from a webline.

"You're a little young to be-"

v.

Sayaka was trying not to put a permanent dent into her forehead as she kneaded it with her fist. Still, it was a close thing.

"You kidnapped _Spiderman_," she finally ground out.

Homura – also known as Hourglass, a former alien invader of some sort or another – nodded politely. She was, indeed, carrying Spiderman. Or someone that was wearing Spiderman's costume.

And yeah, that was a traq dart in his shoulder, one of Gunsmith's - aka Mami's - creations.

"You can't kidnap _Spiderman_." Sayaka said, throwing her hands up. "Put him back where you found him!"

"He was mean to Madoka." Homura said, which was as close to petulant as the cyborg-alien-time-traveller ever got.

"We're trying to be _superheroes._" Sayaka said, trying very hard not to scream. Having a conversation like this in front of an apartment while in full costume at two in the morning was probably somewhat suspicious but _whatever_. "And to be completely fair," Sayaka pointed out, "Ma – um, Puella Magi _did_ take out two blocks worth of city street after the Rhino showed up."

Homura frowned at her which would have been terrifying if Sayaka wasn't _absolutely_ sure that Madoka had her pet alien on a tight leash.

Plus, healing factor. Made life a lot less stressful. More painful, yes, but less stressful.

Okay, that was a lie.

"Go." She ordered grimly. "Put him back."

vi.

Kyouko, also known as Scorpion (no relation to the green guy wearing the venom suit), blinked.

She took a can of Sprite out of the fridge and slurped it down as she considered the brand new occupants of, respectively, the floor and the couch. One was _really_ fat. The other one had red and blue tights on.

"Madoka?" She called after two cans worth of quiet (and sugary) contemplation.

"Yes?" Came the singsong voice.

"Why is the Kingpin tied to our couch?"

There was a moment of silence.

"The Kingpin is tied to our couch?"

Kyouko considered the occupant of the couch. "Well. He's fat. And bald. And really_, really_ big. Yeah, I think it's the Kingpin."

Another moment of silence.

"I, um, don't know?"

Kyouko shrugged and swiped an ice tea.

Another two cans of quiet contemplation ensued before she finally asked:

"Madoka?"

"Yes?"

"Why is Spiderman tied to our floor?"

vii.

Sayaka disliked dealing with guns. Mostly because _she_ somehow always became the pincushion and secondly because her healing factor usually just buried the bullets inside until Mami could dig them out which was _all_ sorts of uncomfortable.

Thus she was somewhat irritable when she got back to base after a gang shootout and discovered that their home had gained two new (involuntary) tenants.

"Hero-ing _doesn't_ work like that," Sayaka roared. "You can't kidnap Spider-man and cancel out the evil of that act by kidnapping the Kingpin!"

"You are being irrational, mutant." Homura snarled back. "Clearly it does. I can prove it." Her glare intensified. "Using _math_."

Sayaka's eyebrow ticked. "_Homura-_" she growled.

Mami, blissfully unaware of the brewing conflict, untied the Kingpin of crime and the local webhead and sent them back home with a stern warning not to upset Madoka who was at 'that age' and then gave each of them a cup of _very_ delicious chamomile tea to make up for their trouble.

viii.

"You," the Thing muttered as he gazed upon the end of the world, "have _got_ to be kidding me. _That's_ Galactus?"

Reed was ever so slightly inclined to agree with the sentiment.

The giant plush toy didn't blink or change its expression, but it answered anyway.

_Did my herald not inform this world? I am the Ender of Entropy, Eater of Worlds and I have come to harvest this one. I am __**Kyuubey.**_

* * *

**Author's Notes**: I took the easy way out and pretended that our dear Puella Magi were a bit like the Runaways and made them original heroes.

For those interested:

**Madoka **: Ordinary, everyday girl until bitten by a radioactive… magical girl. Yes, really. Gained the powers of flight, energy projection and limited invulnerability. Considered mid-upper-tier in strength but with the potential to be much greater than that. Codename: 'Puella Magi.' Heart of the team.

**Sayaka**: A suspected Wolverine clone. She gets somewhat depressed when people remind her how many other Wolverine clones are running around and what that means about her future height. Technically a mutant, her only known power is her healing factor although she is a recognized prodigy when it comes to bladed weapons. She called herself Sayaka in front of national television and has been forced to stick with the codename since. De facto leader.

**Mami**: A whiz kid when it comes to all things mechanical, Mami designs, builds and maintains most of the equipment that the others use. She herself is an expert marksman and something of a history geek. That would explain her lovingly maintained flintlock muskets despite the pain and impracticality of carrying around a dimensional warp in her skirt just to carry around enough of them to be combat effective. Unknown whether abilities are derived from the X-gene or natural. Codename: 'Gunsmith.' The brains of the team. (Also: den mother.)

**Kyouko**: A martial artist, her abilities were artificially enhanced through the use of Mutant Growth Hormone by some shady scientist types. Whether she was a latent mutant or MGH happened to have a very individual affect, Kyouko gained a degree super-strength as well as greatly increased hand-eye coordination allowing her to use her chain spear with little trouble. On the other hand, unlike most mutants with super strength, her muscles consume calories at a rate a normal human would, forcing her to eat a great deal of extra sugar to make up for it. Codename: 'Scorpion.' Tactician and bruiser. Grew up as a pickpocket.

**Homura**: Alien-cyborg-timetraveller. Or maybe none of those things. A mysterious figure, no one is quite certain what to make of her although everyone (read: Sayaka) is afraid that she'll snap and try to kill them all. Although she began as an antagonist, she quickly switched sides and became attached to Madoka. Known powers include 'stopping' time, limited flight, teleportation (?), marksmanship and a degree of familiarity with most conventional weaponry. Codename: 'Hourglass.' A reformed villain with disturbingly yandere tendencies, she is jokingly referred to as their favorite sociopath.

* * *

**Update on other fics**: Heaven is a Zombie Apocalypse has been stalled by a different fic. It should be a lot shorter than HiaZA's planned run so hopefully the entire thing will be up in a few days and then we can get back to a prompter update schedule for that one. In the meantime, crossovers will be updated rather more often as they're a _lot_ easier to pump out and the only thing limiting them was me trying to keep a ratio of crossover chapters and HiaZA chapters.

Oh, and the next chapter will be Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. After that, Inception. Inception is looking a little less lolworthy than average so if you want, skip it. After that Princess Bride and after that - well, I'm still open to suggestions.

But if anyone wants to see a Leverage crossover, there's a mental image of Parker becoming a Puella Magi that won't get out of my head although I have to admit that the main cast would probably be Leverage characters and not PMMM characters. D:


	5. Left 4 Dead In a Middle School

**Author's Note: **We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for zombies.

* * *

**Puella Magi Madoka Magica**

**…****Left 4 Dead. In a Middle School.**

**(Part the first?)**

* * *

i.

There were many things a girl could mention while waiting for the end of the world.

"I'm going to die hungry," Kyouko announced mournfully. "That is _s__o _not fair."

Holed up on the school rooftop and waiting for death by zombie, Mami didn't think it was the time to be thinking about food (a panic attack seemed somewhat more appropriate) but her stomach growled in sympathy anyway. Stupid diet. She clutched the baseball bat in her hands more tightly.

It was dripping blood.

Oh look: her appetite was gone.

"Quiet," Homura whispered, cradling her golf club her firstborn child. No one was entirely certain where she had gotten it. "They can detect sound."

Kyouko looked like she would talk back but Sayaka grabbed the other girl's shoulder and shook her head. Annoying as it was, the four-eyes was right.

Personally, Mami was slightly concerned that Akemi had some sort of split personality disorder. The Homura she recalled was rather… low-key. Wallflower.

This Homura could probably pass as a member of the SDF.

Still, all that meant was that they were the last five survivors of a two thousand plus school population, waiting on the roof for a slow, inevitable death armed with various pieces of sports equipment. Either the zombies wouldn't find them and they'd dehydrate or the zombies _would_ find them and they'd be… well, eaten.

Madoka piped up, a strained cheerfulness that actually came across as heartening rather than profoundly creepy. What _was_ creepy was how good she was with the emergency axe that was supposed to be used in case of fire.

"We need a plan."

* * *

ii.

"Okay, so none of us know how to hotwire a car, drive, how to cure the disease or how to use a gun," Kyouko summarized. The redhead frowned and steepled her fingers contemplatively. Slowly, and with great solemnity: "I think we're screwed. I say we all have wild monkey sex so you guys don't die virgins. Rooftop isn't that comfortable but Sayaka is _great_ with her-"

The girl who was great with something-or-another let out a strangled cough and threw herself at the redhead, clapping a hand on her mouth. "Kyouko's suffering from um, shock. Traumatic shock. _Very_ traumatic shock." Nervous, and very fake laughter ensued. She gave them all a pleading expression. "Ignore her. _Please_?"

"MMmf-mmmf-"

Mami (who was not interested in the proposal at all. Really.) coughed. With some reluctance she admitted: "I can… well, I can kind of use a gun. I guess."

The other four girls stared at her.

Fiddling with the hem of her skirt: "I, um, have you ever heard of LARPing?"

More blank stares.

Oh god. This was so embarrassing. "It's like, well, like medieval re-enactment type stuff but my group was set in the age of Exploration and..." Hurrying through most of the relevant details: "I can load a flintlock musket in seventeen seconds! And I'm a pretty good shot."

Kyouko was clearly trying to say something, but it was Madoka who said, excitedly: "You can use a _gun_?"

Homura, who was staring at zombies that were dragging themselves towards the baseball diamond nodded decisively. "Good enough. Teach us when we're out. I know where to find more."

"When we're _out_?" Sayaka hissed. "How are you planning _that_ miracle?"

Kyouko managed to squirm herself out of Sayaka's grip. Grinned. "I have an _awesome_ idea."

* * *

iii.

Mitakihara Middle School was gigantic and mostly made of glass. Well, technically it was diamonoid but no one called it that. What was important though, was that zombies couldn't scale the walls to get to the roof but on the other hand, neither could they. The only way in and out was the main stairwell. The five of them had gotten there mostly undetected but getting out again would be…

Well, even in the best-case scenarios it was pretty much a suicide mission.

Which was probably why Kyouko's master plan to get them out in one piece involved getting all the zombies _out_ of the building first. This involved a great deal of vandalism.

Typical.

"I'm not sure it's working," Sayaka noted as she tossed down another piece of masonry, aiming in the general direction of the parking lot. Alarms blared and although a scattering of zombies had been attracted by the noise, it seemed like a great deal of them weren't actually from the school itself but rather from the outside.

"Oh ye of little faith," Kyouko grunted, trying to lug one of the stone statuettes off its mooring. "It's working. These guys move in packs. We lure a few and then… boom. They do the job for us."

Madoka grabbed one of the tiles they had managed to jimmy from the ground and tossed it. Against all odds, it actually slammed into the back of one of the zombie's heads and it fell.

"_Nice_," Kyouko congratulated holding out a fist. Madoka bumped hers into the redhead's and they both grinned at each other.

Homura and Mami both frowned simultaneously in a way that _totally_ was not indicative of jealousy.

* * *

iv.

All of them were bleeding. Cuts, scrapes, gashes, bites…

Mami tried not to think about zombie movies. Zombie movies meant that they were all going to die within a few days if not hours.

On the other hand…

"I can't believe that actually worked," Sayaka huffed, as they made their way from the school. She was using her baseball bat as if it were a cane but managed to limp along quickly enough.

"What did I say?" Kyouko crowed, equally battered. The bite mark along her collarbone didn't look good. "I'm a genius. Admit it."

"You stopped for _snacks_," Mami reminded the redhead. Her pockets were still stuffed with dairy products. She would have rather had been holding onto the peanut butter that Kyouko was stuffing her face with but there you had it. Girl with the plan reaped the rewards of having the plan.

"Hey it's _food_," Kyouko pointed out sagely, mouth thick with sticky, peanut goodness. "During the end of the world, food and water are going to be-"

"We were lucky," Homura said tonelessly, voice sharp like a whip. "And we are going to all _die _if you three don't stop talking." Her golf club gleamed menacingly although her hands looked like hamburger.

There was a moment of silence as everyone remembered who exactly had taken out nearly a half-dozen zombies with nothing more than a glorified piece of scrap iron when things had gotten… hairy. And lifted the manhole cover with manic strength that she shouldn't have possessed and was now injured because of it.

Madoka patted Homura on the back and made a zipping motion with her fingers to everyone else.

Behind them, a combination of the school's fire alarm and car parking lot, signalled every zombie in a kilometer radius while they trooped through Japan's spacious and (hopefully for now) unoccupied sewers.

* * *

v.

They spent maybe two, maybe three hours wandering beneath the earth before they first heard it.

"Someone's… crying," Madoka whispered. The sound of running water, their own tottering footsteps – all of it seemed to fade away at the sound of those sobs.

Being the least injured, Mami got out her baseball bat and tried to peer into the flickering light. "I'll go."

Homura was already hissing: "_Don't!_" when Mami trudged into the looming darkness.

* * *

vi.

Wandering the sewers on one's lonesome - even if they were Japan's sewers and probably one of the more inviting sewage systems in the world – wasn't exactly the most reassuring experience ever. Having a zombie apocalypse just added to the general feeling of anxiety. The light here flickered.

Something wrong with the power grid? Possible.

The sobs and whimpers were getting louder. Mami almost sighed in relief when she turned a corner and spotted the kid curled up in a ball, face clutched in dark hands. She was wearing a hospital gown. Someone else had survived. Oh thank god.

Mami put her bat down. "Hey – are you alright?"

No response except for more whimpers.

"Hey, it's okay," she said, searching through her pockets. Finding the food she'd foraged from the school's kitchens, Mami held it out. "Here, I hope you're not allergic to-"

The kid looked up.

Her eyes _glowed_.

Mami stumbled backwards, yell muffled by shock as she noticed the hands that tapered off in vicious looking claws, and the teeth that – oh god, those _teeth_. The girl – obviously not normal - growled, a low, feral noise. The blonde gulped and stumbled backwards, snacks tumbling to the ground as she jerkily reached for her baseball bat.

The girl in the hospital gown screamed.

Mami shrieked and swung blindly.

Claws met wood.

Wood gave way.

A moment later, Mami hit the ground as the creature pounced, claws wrapping around her neck so tight that she couldn't breathe let alone make a sound. They dug into her flesh and Mami had the fleeting thought that at least she wouldn't have to worry about becoming a zombie –

After a heartbeat, Mami noticed she wasn't dead and was justifiably confused. She cracked open a tentative eye.

The super-zombie-thing had raised its head and was sniffing the air. Glowing eyes peered away before blinking several times. It crawled off of her and began pawing at the ground. Mami clapped hands onto her neck, staunching the blood flow as she scooted backwards.

She tried to leave but the zombie growled at her and she froze, swallowing thickly.

The girl-creature went back to clawing at the ground, long clumsy fingers picking at the cement and hunting for the fallen...

Cheese.

* * *

vi.

"We're going after her," Sayaka hissed.

Homura continued to bar the way. "_No_."

Sayaka tried to shove her way past but Kyouko, looking apologetic put a hand on the teal-haired girl's shoulder. "Mami can take care of herself-"

Mami's scream echoed down the sewer system and the redhead winced.

"…then again, maybe not," Kyouko admitted, shoving Homura out of the way herself as she charged into the gloom, Sayaka hot on her footsteps. Madoka helped Homura to her tottering feet.

"Homura, we need to at least try," Madoka pointed out gently.

"…if they cannot listen to orders, we will all die," Homura grimaced. Her eyes were pleading. "Madoka-"

Madoka stroked Homura' hair before kissing her on the forehead. "Don't worry. We'll all make it. I promise."

Then she picked up her axe and smiled impishly. "Shall we?"

* * *

vii.

Kyouko and Sayaka running about in the half-dark were fairly noisy.

Mami thus had a lot of time to prepare a very elaborate, very intelligent warning for them while she was pinned by the creepy, zombie child's surprisingly attentive and numerous glares.

* * *

"Ow!"

"Why'd you stop?"

"Something hit me!"

* * *

"Guys!" Mami hissed, now minus one shoe which she had somehow managed to bounce around the corner of the tunnel so that it smacked into a charging Kyouko. "Stay back!"

"What?" Sayaka asked loudly.

The littlest cancer patient with mutated hands and teeth fit for tearing through raw meat was making low, growly sounds. She was also poking at her dairy products in dainty, neat motions. It was kind of adorable… in a freakish, disgusting way. Was there a word for that? Grotesque cute? Ugdorable?

"Stay back!" Mami repeated, voice a piercing whisper. "Go away! Shoo! Get as far away as you can!"

The girl-zombie-thingy looked up at Mami suspiciously but then went back to poking at the fallen dairy products.

"…did you piss yourself?" Kyouko asked, completely serious.

"Wh-_what_?" Mami spluttered, completely forgetting her intentions to being stealthy and possibly saving everyone's lives in the process. "Of - of course not!"

"Then what's the problem?" The redhead demanded.

Ms. Creepy-little-zombie's head went up again.

Mami gulped and tried to steady her pounding heart. She hated how strangled her voice came out.

"Do you guys have more cheese?"

* * *

viii.

As it turned out, they didn't have more cheese. Thankfully though, the somewhat unexpected question threw Kyouko and Sayaka for a loop as they scrambled to look for it and that meant they didn't immediately charge in, guns blazing.

Not that they had guns. More was the pity.

Mami _did_ have more cheese though.

The monster girl growled at her when she reached for some but the red eyes switched from homicide to awe when the blonde pulled out small block from her blazer pocket.

Mami offered it tentatively.

* * *

ix.

"I think Mami adopted a zombie," Kyouko announced when Homura and Madoka had caught up.

Madoka, predictably, oooh'd and tried to pat the zombie on the head. Kyouko saved her from an impromptu amputation and explained that you needed cheese to gain her trust. Madoka somehow produced a piece and went on to do just that.

Homura, meanwhile, tried not to bash her head against the nearest wall.

Sayaka had the grace to look slightly ashamed and scuffed her foot on the floor and said, rather lamely: "She's just a kid. Maybe if we raise her right-"

"That's _really_ not the problem here," Homura muttered.

There was insanity where the world decided it was the end of days and sent a zombie plague to kill everyone.

Then there was the insanity when you went off _alone_ without backup into an unknown situation just because you heard someone crying when you _knew_ that zombies were attracted to noise.

And then there was Madoka's friends adopting one of the said zombies and feeding it Cheetos.

"Her name is Charlotte," Mami said, sounding victorious. "It's on her nametag, see?"

There was, indeed, a nametag.

'Charlotte' continued poking at her small horde of cheese as if she couldn't quite believe it was actually there. Homura went back to contemplating the wall.

* * *

x.

Life with an eight-year-old zombie-child-monster-thing probably should have been more trying than it was.

But there was probably a piece of them, deep inside, that was pretty sure that the cuts and scrapes they'd sustained meant that they were all going to become zombies soon anyway so they didn't exactly care.

On the other hand-

"Why are guns hidden in the sewers?" Sayaka asked, sounding peeved.

"Emergency," Homura said succinctly taking out various very large and clunky looking weapons out of a disguised wall and laying them on the concrete of the sewers. There were scopes, laser pointers, flashlights, duffel bags, cylindrical metal thingies, grenades… Mami gulped: this was _definitely_ not what a flintlock-era weapons looked like.

"Were you preparing for a _war_?" Kyouko asked.

The redhead sounded like she would start salivating soon. Mami made a mental note to keep Kyouko as far away from the guns as she could while they did their preliminary investigation. Like figuring out which bullets went where. And how safeties worked.

"Sort of." Homura admitted. She lifted what looked like a shotgun and handed it to Mami. "Teach. We don't have much time."

"Before what?" Mami asked, mouth dry as she accepted the imposing weapon.

"Before the zombies go underground." Homura said ominously.

* * *

xi.

There should have been more questions asked – like, how the hell did Homura know about these weapons? Why couldn't _she_ use them? Where did they come from? Who owned them?– but there was the rather more pressing issue of the zombie apocalypse and Mami spent her time tinkering with guns she'd never used before.

Charlotte sat on the side, legs dangling towards the sewer water as she hummed some nonsense tune. Madoka was apparently trying to teach her how to speak. So far she had gotten Charlotte to say 'Ch-grrk-sah.'

Apparently that meant cheese. Then again, so did most sounds Charlotte made as far as they could tell.

Mami knew basic gun safety (probably _better_ than most gun enthusiasts, it wasn't like they dealt with crap made black powder on a regular basis) but there was a big difference between a firearm that had been designed in the seventeenth century and one that had been made ten years ago.

Some things were simpler. Other things… weren't.

"I have no idea how to disassemble and clean any of these," Mami noted seriously. It had taken her a good ten minutes to even find the safety on quite a few of them. "Firearms require maintenance, Homura."

Off to the side, Kyouko opened her mouth and reached for the weapons.

Mami and Homura both simultaneously swatted Kyouko's hand away. She gave them a hurt look.

"_Sayaka_." She whined. "Mami and Homura aren't sharing their toys." She stuck her tongue out. "Meanies."

"_You_ are supposed to be organizing supplies with me," Sayaka retorted.

"Oh. Heh. That was me? I thought it was the other Kyouko-"

It probably took a minor miracle, but they somehow managed to get most of the firearms organized by type, calibre and by the end, Mami had even managed to get them all to figure out which end was supposed to be pointed where.

Still, Mami winced.

They were _so_ gonna end up shooting each other in the back it was not funny.

* * *

xii.

On the first trial run, Mami discovered something extraordinary.

"How the _hell_ can you do that?" She asked disbelievingly.

"It just seems natural," Madoka admitted holding out the disassembled gun. Within moments she had reassembled it and then pointed it at the far end of the sewer.

Mami would have bet her last juice box that Madoka was a crack shot too.

Still.

"How can it seem 'natural'-"

"Let's not question our good fortune," Kyouko cut in before sidling next to Madoka. "Heeeey, teach me?"

"Of course!"

* * *

xiii.

Mami was trying to educate Charlotte on the finer points of clothing (i.e., _wear it_) when Sayaka sat down next to her.

"Do you think I should put ribbons on?" The tomboy asked, fiddling with her hair.

Mami blinked.

Put pink and red together and added teal-

Oh _hell_ no.

Jealous? Sayaka?

Charlotte mewled in discontent as Mami shoved her back into the hospital gown but didn't complain too much. Mami had become the unofficial dispenser of cheese and thus, apparently, Charlotte's favoritest person in the world.

In the meantime, Mami tried to think of a… sensible answer.

"…I don't think there will be many ribbons in our future," the blonde said cautiously, deciding not to bother with a lecture on accessories and color coordination.

"Maybe we could find some?" Sayaka suggested hopefully, as if being stuck in the sewers during a zombie apocalypse was an inconvenience on par with a broken vacuum cleaner or empty fridge.

"Have you asked Kyouko for her opinion?" Mami hinted.

Sayaka actually _jumped_. A good foot and a half. From a sitting position.

"W-who said anything about Kyouko?" Came the startled hiss.

It was pretty hard to keep herself from rolling her eyes. Subtle was not Sayaka's niche.

"No one," Mami replied blandly, tying up the string on the back of the gown. "I just thought, seeing as how you two are together-"

"W-well, you thought wrong," Sayaka said, getting up. "I should go. Um. Count our supplies. Again." She nodded jerkily. "Good day. Mami."

Mami waved as Sayaka stumbled off. Charlotte copied her motion, claws gleaming.

Okay, upgrading from ugdorable to adorable.

"You're not going to make Mami stress over you at all, are you?" Mami cooed, placing her chin on Charlotte's head.

"Ch-grrk-saaaah," Charlotte said, beaming.

* * *

xiv.

Dinner was interrupted by zombies.

"Oh come _on_," Kyouko complained. She and Sayaka still couldn't hit a stationary target from five feet let alone fifty so her job mostly involved giving pep talks and hitting things with Madoka's axe. "I was _eating_."

Frankly, Mami was a little more concerned about how the zombies had gotten into the sewers in the first place.

…then again, Charlotte had made it down somehow.

Well, too late for that now.

Holding the handgun in both hands, Mami centred herself and tried to aim for the head.

* * *

xv.

"Well, that went _spectacularly _well," Kyouko said, planting her axe down. It was wet with blood. "Sorry, but you guys _suck_."

So as it turned out, Madoka _wasn't_ a crack shot.

Yeah, that probably was a little too much to expect.

On the plus side, no one had been shot in the back and there were ten or so dead zombies so they must have been doing something right.

"We will get better or die trying," Homura noted, eyes chasing shadows.

It took a moment for Mami to realize that she meant that literally.

* * *

xvi.

Sometime during the fight Charlotte had scampered off. Mami found her, perched inside a storm drain, hands clapped over her ears. The blonde gave it thirty seconds before she started sobbing again.

"Hey, it's okay," she coaxed, holding out her hands.

The zombie child continued to shake.

"Charlotte? The bad people went away. You can come out now."

Charlotte looked up. Apparently the hands over her ears were just for show.

"G-g-aargh?"

Mami nearly sighed in relief. "Yes, yes, they're all gone. Let's go."

Charlotte carefully slipped her hand onto Mami's.

xvii.

"Alright, where do we go and why?" Sayaka was saying when Mami and Charlotte got back. The rest of the girls were huddled over a map.

Well. Almost all of them. Homura had a handgun out and was eying the corridor warily. She still managed to fit herself into the conversation. "Exit the city. Head for depopulated areas. Survive."

"So like… forests?" Madoka wondered.

Mami had never seen a forest in her life. She wasn't sure if she liked this idea. There were wolves and such inside of them, right?

"What if the SDF has quarantined the city?" Sayaka muttered. "Worst case scenario, they're shooting everything that moves on sight."

"That's not the worst case scenario," Kyouko said. Everyone looked to the redhead in askance. "What?" Kyouko blurted. "America could nuke us. It happened in Resident Evil, remember? I mean, they'd nuke _themselves_. I read about this."

"…well, that's a lovely thought," Mami murmured. Sayaka was the only who whirled. Everyone else must have noticed her arrival. "But before we think about getting out – Sayaka, Madoka…don't you have families waiting for you?"

It either said something about orphanhood that of the five, three were missing their biological parents. Possibly four, depending on whether or not you counted Charlotte as a survivor.

"My mom and dad are on a business trip overseas," Sayaka said, biting her lip.

Madoka shrugged. "Mom had to get away the from her co-workers for a bit. They went up to the cottage with Tatsuya. I hope they stay there."

Apparently Charlotte knew that Madoka and Sayaka weren't feeling one hundred percent confident because she patted them clumsily on the shoulders with the palms of her hands.

"Awww, thank you Charlotte," Madoka said happily, giving the girl a hug.

Charlotte took the opportunity to try to rifle through Madoka's pockets and delicately extract a bag of cheese-flavoured Doritos.

Kyouko clapped her hands, trying to get everyone's attention. "With that settled, first we got to figure out how to get out, how to survive, how to fight and most importantly of all…"

The redhead snatched the chips away from Charlotte, eliciting a squawk of protest from the girl.

"How we're going to freaking _feed _ourselves. Because that ain't happening in a forest."

* * *

xviii.

To Mami's surprise, they kept to the sewers. Although the blonde was almost certain that the jangling weapons they'd shoved into the duffel bags were going to get them all killed in one messy, fiery explosion (they had homemade _bombs_ inside their bags, _bombs_ for goodness sakes) it didn't happen.

Because Charlotte didn't like flashlights, Mami had her hands clapped over the little girl's eyes, leading her forwards through gentle nudges while Kyouko and Sayaka lead the way with baseball bat and axe.

Madoka was cheerfully skipping behind them while toting a combat shotgun. It was really quite the disconcerting picture.

"Homura," Mami whispered as they continued onwards. "Why are we still down here?"

Homura's voice was very dry. "Do you like Charlotte?"

Blinking at the unexpected question Mami actually gave it some serious thought. "She's… I mean, yeah, I guess so?"

Charlotte chose at this moment to stop and giggled when Mami crashed into her.

"If there are survivors above ground," Homura said bluntly as Mami did her best not to trip and fall. "They will shoot her on sight."

Well.

That was a good reason.

But…

"What else aren't you telling me?" Mami demanded.

Homura's mouth curled into an expression that might have been a smirk. "I made the pipe bombs, there were more than six zombies down there with us but they're not here anymore and Sayaka has a crush on you."

* * *

xix.

Mami watched Homura walk off open-mouthed.

_What_?

* * *

xx.

Okay.

Okay. You know what?

You didn't just _say_ something like that and-

Gaaaah, she didn't have time to deal with this.

* * *

xxi.

When they surfaced, Mitakihara had turned into something vaguely resembling a nightmare. It was as if the city itself knew it was time to panic: alarms blared, fire rose, lights flickered. Cars lay abandoned in the middle of the street.

There were no people but they could hear sporadic gunfire, out in the distance.

Either that was a good sign or a really bad one.

They, however, exited at the river. It had taken some controlled explosions to get the grill out, but other than that, they seemed in the clear.

There were no roadblocks out of the city though. Not that they could see.

"_Someone's _fighting and the zombies-" Homura noted.

"-are being distracted _yes,_" Kyouko crowed. "Go and loot something." When everyone looked at her she rolled her eyes. "_Hurry_. Bottled water as a priority, vitamin tablets if you can swing it. Some fruit, but not too much – _and_ anything that can last for longer than a month. Preferably not chips. Take up too much space, they're mostly packaged air. Oh, and get more batteries for the flashlights. And a first-aid kit. And actual clothes. And the uh, other stuff. You know."

When they continued looking at her she rolled her eyes. "Hey! I got us out of the school, trust me on this, we'll need it." When no one moved she slapped her hands together. "Come on, chop chop."

As everyone prepared to rush off, Homura put her foot down. Quietly. "Travel in groups. Mami take Charlotte and, stay with Kyouko. Sayaka, Madoka, stay quiet and follow. No gunfire or light unless absolutely necessary. We meet in fifty."

As Homura passed Mami, there came the unnecessary reminder: "keep her _hidden_."

"Pick up some cheese," Mami hissed back.

* * *

xxii.

"What exactly are we doing?" Mami whispered as she and Kyouko combed the riverbank.

"_We_ are looking for evidence of zombie fish."

"Really?"

"_No_. Well, yes, but mostly no." Kyouko sighed. "Do you know anything about boating?"

"Paddle goes in water? You want to go boating?"

"Unless there's zombie squid, it's probably one of the safest places to be. Other than on a space station or something. We wouldn't need to get far. Just hug the shoreline until we got somewhere half-way deserted."

"These are artificial rivers, Kyouko. We won't find boats," Mami pointed out.

Kyouko stopped. Gave an exasperated sigh. "You should have mentioned that sooner. Now we have to go with plan B. I _like_ Plan B."

"Shouldn't it be Plan A then?"

"No, plans I like tend to backfire spectacularly."

* * *

xxiii.

"We're stealing _bicycles._" Mami noted. To be fair, she might not have delivered the line entirely positively. Indeed, one might even consider it a bit… flat.

"What, you wanted a moped?" Kyouko asked cheerfully.

"Not exactly," Mami said, trying to remain politic. "Um- couldn't we… ah, hotwire a car?"

"Yes, because a car alarm is _so_ what we need right now." The redhead muttered, waving to the cluttered streets. Out of the corner of her eyes, Mami thought that she constantly saw movement. Couldn't really be, of course. The zombies surely would have attacked.

"How are we going to carry Charlotte along?" Mami asked, not exactly liking the idea of bicycling through a zombie apocalypse.

"Oh. I think I saw a tricycle."

"…a tricycle." Mami repeated.

* * *

xxiv.

"…and you got her a tricycle." Sayaka said, giant bag of food on her back. She had three brand new duffel bags with other necessities.

Homura looked somewhere between laughter and open-mouthed dismay. Mami noticed a new blood splatter on her blazer. They must have met zombies. Odd since Kyouko and her hadn't meant any.

"You sound _just_ like Mami," Kyouko complained. "Look, it's a great idea and it _will _work."

Madoka was carrying giant boxes. Each was clearly labelled. "Oh! That's so cute! And it matches her hair!"

"Madoka? I think I love you right now. And not just because you remembered to get duct tape and two-dozen bags of dried fruit. And pants."

* * *

xxv.

"Okay, so maybe it didn't work." Kyouko admitted, scratching her head.

"First, the tricycle was made for a _three_ year old," Mami pointed out, feeling like they should be attacked by zombies just for having a conversation this inane, "second, Charlotte's a-"

Madoka stumbled forward.

"She's just special." The pink-haired girl squeaked, placing her hands on Charlotte's ears. Charlotte seemed to mind and managed to squeeze herself out of Madoka's grasp.

"Um. Yes, yes _exactly_," Mami said, managing not to lose her train of thought in the face of Madoka's reality-bending powers of optimism, "special and with special needs."

"Ch-grrrk?"

Everyone turned around to see Charlotte badly mangling the handlebars of a bike much too big for her. But her feet were in the pedals and she seemed to be balancing well enough.

"I am a _genius_," Kyouko whispered.

* * *

xxvi.

Biking around with a huge load of groceries and other sundry items (plus looking after Charlotte) was definitely a novel experience. Too much weight on the bike, corners were difficult, speed was barely faster than a good, quick run.

But they were out.

Home free.

* * *

**Author's note**: This may be one of the fluffiest zombie apocalypse fics ever. I highly suspect that this is because there are very few actual zombies in it. One day I might even write a second chapter. Dear lord.

Right right, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei _next_ chapter. Hopefully.


	6. in the Gurren Lagann!

**Puella Magi Madoka in…**

…**Gurren Lagann**

**(Part the first?)**

* * *

i.

Everyday she dug.

Madoka the Mole they called her. Wiping away at the sweat beading on her brow, the pink-haired girl contemplated the rocks beneath her.

Brushing away debris, she picked up a strange, drill-shaped trinket.

ii.

"Ms. Tomoe! Ms. Tomo- EEEK!"

The note of panic was caused by said individual snapping a whip right in front of Madoka's nose. The pink-haired girl backpedaled hastily, nearly tripping and falling over herself. A face framed by blonde curls thrust itself in front of her own.

"Ma! Do! Ka!" Mami roared. "How many times have I asked you to call me Sis?"

Madoka sweatdropped. "Sorry, Ms… um, Sis."

"That's better," Mami said, nodding to herself in satisfaction. She looped the whip back into her belt. "So what's gotten you all worked up?"

Madoka presented her treasure. "Look what I found!"

Mami oooh'd in appreciation. Finding a piece of string from goodness knew where, the blonde threaded it through the hole at the base and then placed it around Madoka's head like a necklace. "There you go!" Giving the pink-haired girl a thumbs up, she added: "It suits you well!"

Madoka blushed. "Y-you think so?"

"I _know_ so," Mami said triumphantly. "It's like your soul! A drill that will pierce the Heavens!"

Like usual when making such grandiose statements, Mami had thrust a single finger into the air and pointed it straight up. Madoka laughed nervously: Mami really would be a lot more popular if everyone and their molepig didn't think she was crazy from cave fumes.

Then the blonde said something that made Madoka want to flee for the closest tunnel and dig a kilometre straight down.

"Madoka! I have a plan!"

iii.

Ten minutes later…

"The last plan you had nearly broke your back," Madoka said, hopping from nervous foot to foot as she watched Mami gather her 'troops.' As far back as she remembered Mami was insanely charismatic but also just plain vanilla _insane_ as well. This was probably why her troops for this particular endeavour were, well, molepigs. "Mami-"

"Sis," Mami corrected.

"Sis," Madoka said hurriedly. "What exactly is the plan?"

"I have it all figured out!" Mami exclaimed, looking very much like she had _not_ figured it all out as she wrestled with one of the larger molepigs in a way that didn't appear particularly indicative of a plan. "Now don't ask questions."

"Ummm…" Madoka said nervously.

iv.

There should have been some logical reason that molepigs traveling in single file couldn't go straight up.

And yet it was happening.

"AHHHHHHHH-" Madoka screamed.

"FOR THE GREAT GURREN BRIGADE!"

v.

Unfortunately, their ascent was checked by a man that called himself chief.

vi.

"How many times have I told you?" The chief was shouting, big potbelly swinging as he raged at the two of them.

Or more accurately, just Mami. The blonde's nose was bloodied and there was an ugly bruise forming over one of her eyes where the chief had hit her with his sheathed katana. Mami was staring fixedly at nothing.

"There is no surface!" The chief continued to rage. "There is no _point_ in doing these trivial and idiotic things!"

Madoka knew Mami would reply and tried to stop her. All she managed was to restrain her friend from physically attacking the chief.

"Trivial? _Trivial?_" Mami roared, spittle flying. "I'll tell you what's trivial! A weak, pathetic _lump_ of a man being king of a hole in the ground." Voice rising, the blonde pointed up again, despite her shackled wrists. "There _is _a surface! An entire world! And up there what you see is a blue sky-"

"Oh _those_ stories again," the chief snarled back. "And what will you tell us next? Of creatures that walk upright that are taller than men and heavier than molepigs? Your father was a liar, your mother was a liar, they died liars and it's no surprise that their daughter is a-"

This time Madoka couldn't hold Mami back.

"Take that back," Mami hissed, grabbing onto his cape and jerking him a foot off the ground. "Take that-"

The chief hit her with the pommel of his sword. Mami's head whipped around before swinging right back. Her lip was bloodied and her voice had gone deadly soft.

"I said _take that back_."

"Mami," Madoka said tentatively. "You have to calm down-"

Mami let out a sigh and dropped the chief.

A little intimidated, the chief actually took a full step backwards when Mami let go of him. Blustering, he ordered: "Take her to the stockades! And Madoka, get back to work."

Madoka looked uncertainly between the two but Mami managed to regain control enough to smile.

"Go on, Madoka. Don't worry about me."

vi.

But Madoka did worry.

She would have been pleased to find just about anything: old bones from creatures that everyone (except Mami) agreed were too large to possibly exist, a rusted piece of metal, an interesting looking rock –

What she found instead was a face.

A huge, incredible face.

Drilling into the stockades from below was technically illegal, but Madoka was pretty sure Mami wouldn't tell on her.

"Ms. Tomoe, Ms. Tomoe – EEEEK!"

This time it wasn't a whip that elicited the scream but rather a tiny molepig that dropped from above and onto her head.

"Cute lil' guy isn't he?" Mami said proudly. Madoka found it more than slightly awkward that she had to talk to Mami from beneath her thighs and might have nodded her head or made some strangled noise of affirmative before hoisting herself out the hole. She returned the baby molepig to Mami and started removing the shackles.

"I've decided to name him Boota," Mami continued as if the jailbreak was completely expected. "Mostly because he dropped in between my br-"

Madoka's drill made a high-pitched squealing noise of metal on metal as she unintentionally dragged it along the shackles instead of drilling through.

"-and it's kind of appropriate, don't you think?"

Madoka laughed weakly as she finally broke through the shackles. "Sure."

"Why're you here anyway?" Mami asked, rubbing at her newly unshackled wrists. "Not that I'm complaining, but this is kinda illegal."

"I've got something to show you!" Madoka said, grinning.

vii.

Like the plan with the molepigs, this one was interrupted by a smug-looking chief.

Unlike the plan with the molepigs, the chief was interrupted by a giant metal face falling through the ceiling and nearly squashing him flat.

viii.

"GYAAAH!" Screamed the chief.

Sunlight streamed down from above. Madoka would have marvelled at it if she wasn't panicking internally almost as much as the chief.

"I'll be taking _that_," Mami said, grabbing the katana from the chief. She hefted it a few times before sliding it into her belt next to her whip.

Then, she drew the blade out, leaving the sheathe inside her belt.

Madoka got the distinct impression that the universe was telling her that she should be facefaulting.

"Hey! Ugly!" Mami yelled, brandishing her blade. "Pick on someone your own size!"

Yeah, there it was.

The giant face that was approximately fifty times taller and no doubt three or four hundred times heavier than the blonde turned around and stared at them. Madoka eeped. Mami continued to grin.

And then someone stole the show by shooting the big ugly in its teeth. It didn't do more than just knock it to the side a bit but when something weighed over a hundred tons staggered to the side, it was pretty impressive.

In the explosion of noise and sound caused by its stagger, someone managed to sneak up besides them unnoticed.

"Don't know why Sayaka has such a hero complex," the mystery woman snarled behind them. Madoka got the distinct impression of 'red' followed by a hand on her collar, thrusting her towards the nearest tunnel complex. From somewhere above, someone was still shooting.

"Come on idiots," the new arrival said, slapping them on the back and propelling them forwards, "follow me."

ix.

Madoka's introduction to 'Sayaka' was frankly a little frightening. An enraged, nearly frothing at the mouth teal-haired girl, she did not exactly give off the impression of mental stability.

"Are you guys suicidal?" Sayaka asked, brandishing a gun nearly as tall as she was. The redhead that had thrown them into the cave complex had a matching one on her back.

If Mami was intimidated she didn't let it show. "Not at all! Me and Madoka could've taken him."

Madoka highly doubted it.

Highly, _highly_ doubted it.

The redhead's tone was dry. "Happy Sayaka? You saved another two idiots. For free. I'm sure they'll do great things for the gene pool. _And_ we won't get fed."

"Oh shut _up_, moneygrubber," Sayaka replied testily, turning back to fire off a few more shots. "Come on, we have to get away."

Madoka was all over that plan.

Come to think of it…

"This way!" She said, getting to the nearest tunnel. "I've got something to show you!"

x.

Down and down they went. Down deep enough that Madoka could show her big sis what she had wanted to. A giant face. Nowhere near the size of the big ugly upstairs but still sizable.

"We could sell this for _so much money_," the redhead said, sounding rapturous.

Sayaka looked at the face a great deal more dubiously but Mami seemed just as excited as Madoka felt.

"Two treasures in a single day!" The blonde exclaimed. "Madoka, this is awesome!"

"Isn't it just?" Madoka replied, enthused. She scrambled over the face and revealed a sort of seat-chair type deal within. "Mami! Why don't we use _this_ to fight against the big ugly outside?"

"Oh good god," came Sayaka's contribution.

Kyouko looked slightly horrified and seemed to be talking about paint jobs and pristine ancient artefacts and 'inestimable' price ranges.

Mami was rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "No."

Madoka's spirits fell. _That_ wasn't something she would have expected in a million years. "Huh?"

Mami slapped her on the back. Hard. "Who do you think you're talking to? A big sister doesn't steal from her younger sisters!" The blonde crossed her arms in an X. "That's a big no-no!"

"Bu-but- I can't-"

"What have I told you about saying 'can't'?" Mami asked. "There's no such thing! Kick logic and reason to the curb, Madoka! That's how we roll!"

"Huh?" Madoka squeaked.

"…right." Sayaka muttered, shaking her head. She turned to Madoka. "Kid, get out before-"

Mami grinned. "You're not ruining my lil' sis' debut on the big scene. In fact, I want you two to have front row seats."

Surely two trained mercenaries from the surface should have had the reaction time and skills to avoid getting pinned down by a single, untrained, slightly (or extremely) insane blonde.

And yet, both of them were clothelined into the mini-mech.

"Come on Madoka, squeeze in a little," Mami exclaimed jumping in behind them.

"I'm squeezing," Madoka managed to say. The little pink-haired pilot could barely breathe with three other occupants inside. Sayaka and Kyouko were making their displeasure felt with every sharp knee and elbow.

"Gerrof of us you shupid-"

"LET'S GO!" Mami yelled, pointing upwards again. "DO IT MADOKA! LET YOUR DRILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"

xi.

And as improbable as it was…

They did.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **Oh I am evil. _Still_ no Sayanara Zetsubou Sensei. Instead you get two thirds of the first episode of Gurren Lagann. You might see more of them in the future. Until then, wish them luck. :P

Alright, no more promises as what's coming next, whatever I finish goes up, I suppose. One Piece, Harry Potter, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, Inception, Mahou Sensei Negima, Firefly and Princess Bride are all currently in various stages of completion. Harry Potter and Mahou Sensei Negima are looking more and more like they're going to become much too long to justify putting them in a drabble collection, admittedly.


End file.
